Runnin' on Empty
I don't know what it is. Could be the fact that it's winter--though that's kind of theoretical in FL, despite the fact I've had to close the house up, and as I work graveyard, I don't see the sun year-round, so this is not a change for me. Could be that my baby has moved across the country and I'm suffering empty nest syndrome--though I've been so relieved to be able to start cleaning up her room and making use of it that I haven't had time to be sad about it. (Besides, we email and phone all the time.) Really, I never had a problem with my own company. Could be the holidays, which traditionally bum as many people out as they thrill--though we've pretty much done without tradition for years, so Christmas doesn't really have much power over me. Could be the Vacation That Wasn't or that I'm still recovering from my son's recent hospitalization (he already lost one leg, and though this was obviously not an infection in the same league, it did deliver quite an emotional whammy just the same), or maybe that I'm so disgusted with the way my job is headed (dwindling pay and bennies, never a raise, and an employer who obviously cares nothing for loyalty or quality). My kids are thriving--daughter happily ensconced in a new life with a nice guy, and they're already threatening to move closer (i.e. away from the snow--duh. . . MA is COLD!) Son just landed The Job he should have had years ago and will not only quit mooching "loans" from me, but might actually start to whittle down his debt. I even got an early men-in-kilts fix a couple weeks ago (I live for the Highland Games in the spring, but the Renaissance Faire was a good stopgap). In many ways, this should shape up to be a really great new year.
Still, I dunno. I'm just. . . not coping. I work. I sleep. The space between the two seems to shrink daily. I look forward to weekends, and as soon as they come I turn around and it's time to slap the headphones on and get back to work. It's like the less responsibilities I have, the less time I seem to have to deal with them (this runs contrary to the laws of income, in which the more you have, the more your necessities expand to accommodate it). How did I manage to squeeze so much into my life the first time I did college, and still have energy to add more? Surely, this is not simply a sign of decrepitude, it is? (Sadly, I have no way of adequately conveying the horror at that concept using mere html.) Between family crises, computer problems, and now motivation, I have a sinking feeling I will never finish my pharmacology course in time. Knowing I would have to pay the tuition a second time is oddly not enough to kick me into gear. I even have trouble feeling outrage at injustice--which I now see is totally different from pessimism, because that apparently engenders apathy.
Maybe it's because I know the holidays bring tourist traffic and I'm back in my "I hate people" mode. Maybe this is because I quit drinking coffee (which I never loved anyway) and went back to tea; in retrospect, that did involve a two-week withdrawal before the fog cleared. Maybe I really do need some vitamin D. Studies show that only 15 minutes of sunshine a day is crucial to good health, physical and emotional. It can prevent breast cancer, and some studies suggest that areas with less sunlight have higher concentrations of diseases like MS. After so many years on the graveyard shift, I don't even handle sunlight well (going for that "whiter shade of pale," donchaknow), but I suppose I should get serious and give it a try. All I need is a boost over the hump so I can survive the rest of this coursework. If I can at least get far enough to see the finish line, I should be able to power through after all.