Leader or Teacher or Both?
In recent months, I have been experiencing an increasing level of angst at work. I have searched high and low for an answer, but have come up with nothing. I considered all the recent changes that have been instituted in our ED. I thought maybe it was related to family changes at home. Then, I blamed the patients. All of these thoughts circled through my head, until a conversation the other day forced me to take a hard look at myself.
The ED itself was rather calm that day. Patients were coming and going at a reasonable pace. A few co-workers and I chatted about general topics. The atmosphere was light. I shouldn’t have had my defenses up, but I did.
The conversation turned to who was going to be in charge. I thought I didn’t care, but when I wasn’t elected, I found myself irritated. This was exactly the same feeling I had been carrying with me for so many months. My brain rattled into a steady stream of thoughts.
For days, I mulled this over. The thought of being in charge scares me. Why does it bother me so much when I’m not chosen to lead? I don’t see myself as a leader. Maybe I want to.
I began contemplating the idea of leadership. I visualized being responsible for patient flow, problem solving, and follow through. I thought about the parts of my job that make me happy - sharing information, showing the way to care for family members and answering questions. I like to teach, not lead.
My brain began to further process this. I asked myself questions. Do I need to give up what I love in order to make myself feel more valuable by leading? Or, is it possible for me to be a leader as a teacher? IS teaching the same thing as leading?
The answer to all of these questions appeared to me, in all places, in a line from one of my daughter’s favorite picture books, Pinkalicous: “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” I don’t have a hard outer shell. I am not good at making decisions with confidence. But, I am good at understanding how patients and families feel. I can reach out and touch others through education.
That’s when it occurred to me. Teaching IS leading. It may be different from a charge nurse who makes formal decisions, but it is just as valuable. I am just as valuable. This acknowledgement gave me the relief I was looking for. Through this entire struggle, I have learned a lot about myself and what I want out of my career.
I want to share knowledge with my patients. I want to help them and their families cope with the situations they are experiencing in the ED. I want to accept teaching as a form of leading because sometimes we can’t change what we get, even when it makes us upset. I don’t have to be just a leader or just a teacher. I can be both.