Trust goes both ways - part 2
Continuing the story of my successful experience with a client whom I didn’t trust:
Mr. S. and I developed a working relationship I would call détente rather than rapport. But I never trusted him at any level, and I doubt he actually trusted me. I made no secret of my acknowledgement that he could do great physical harm to me at any time (he was a tall man with bulging muscles). Mr. S. tested me early on with a profane verbal tirade about something in the service plan, but I didn’t flinch. I simply replied that it was fine if he didn’t agree with my ideas, but I expected him to give me specifics about what he disagreed with and why, as well as alternative ideas for us to discuss. I reminded him that just because he wanted something didn’t mean the system could provide it, but if he could convince me of its merits, I would see if there was a way to get it. A couple of times, I was able to come through for him on what initially seemed to be crazy ideas – even to me, the queen of Wild Hair Ideas.
Mr. S. was a unique challenge to my listening skills. Although he never toned down his verbal rages, something in the air changed after the first time, and his demeanor with me became less ominous. I began to notice that he was careful not to use abusive language against me individually. At worst, he would “lump me in” with anyone else who was the target of his frustration or rage, by saying “you-all [blankety-blanks]”. If he happened to exempt me from the problem, he said “they” or used individual names. Mr. S. also could be quite creative with the epithets he sprinkled among the usual obscenities. He’d string together a collection of relatively mild adjectives that would add up to a scathing indictment of the object of his wrath. Sometimes I couldn’t help smiling in the middle of it all, and although that usually cranked up Mr. S.’s vitriol, he seemed to try to get more verbally creative each time.
Not too long after I started working with Mr. S., he was telling other team members that he and I “have an understanding.” I wasn’t too thrilled with his choice of words, since my state’s work. comp. law requires that the approved DCMs be neutral parties, and “having an understanding” suggested some sort of unethical collusion. But everyone on the team seemed merely relieved that Mr. S. had a DCM he couldn’t easily intimidate, and I stayed with the case until he returned to work with a new employer.
Mr. S. was in job search, and it got back to me that after an interview, he had loitered in the vicinity of Human Resources until the interviewer (Ms. K.) went to lunch in the organization’s cafeteria. He sauntered over to her table, sat down uninvited, and proceeded to “extend the interview.” Ms. K.’s voice was shaking when she phoned me about the incident, saying she didn’t appreciate being “stalked by the menacing hulk that [the job developer] sent”. I dreaded the conversation with Mr. S. when I confronted him about this behavior: if he was going to cross the line into physical violence against me, this would probably be the trigger. When the meeting came, I said in an innocent tone, “I hear you had lunch with Ms. K. at [Company X]. Have you gotten the job offer yet?” Mr. S. looked at me suspiciously, but I kept a poker face. He was no fool, though, and started to warm up a tirade about how impossible job search was, yada yada. I interrupted him and said “although I don’t like the technique you used with Ms. K. , you’ve proved you have what it takes to do cold-calling. So we [job developer and I] expect to see you meet the goal for number of cold-calls per week from now on.” Mr. S. was briefly speechless! He then left our meeting, throwing the F-bomb over his shoulder as he stomped out. He was a model citizen after that – at least with people involved in his case.
I never let down my guard with Mr. S. and he never stopped testing his limits with me. I suppose you could say he came to trust me not to over-react to his tests; but I think that’s as far as his trust of me went. But it was enough for us to achieve his successful return to work with a new employer.