Perfection
I have a friend who is a single mom of three children. She was working a job at night while going to school during the day. In an email detailing her final days of class, she commented that she'd finished her final paper and it was good enough to warrant a B. Her next comment is what this blog is all about: finding balance.
"I could get an A, but I've spent all the time I'm willing to spend on this paper. I'm not willing to take away any more time from my kids. A ‘B' will have to be good enough."
Quite honestly, before I received that email it would have never occurred to me to turn in a paper before it was perfect. That email was the catalyst for a lot of soul searching.
I've always known I was a perfectionist and viewed that as a positive-I excelled at tasks I set out to do. But since that email, I've seen myself in a different light. Turns out that, for me, perfection translates into an "all or nothing" personality, which is a problem when it comes to finding balance.
At home, I see it in something as simple as watching a movie. I could leave the TV off all day and not think twice about it. Actually I prefer to keep the TV off. BUT, if I begin to watch a movie, even if it is one I have already seen, I have a very difficult time turning the program off. "All or nothing." Once I start a task, I complete it at all costs. There is no balance there.
As a clinician my "all or nothing" personality translated into mixed comments on my performance reviews. Praise for outstanding, detailed note writing-I never had a claim denied. Criticism for the time I spent on paperwork. Well, duh. If you want it done right...I excused the time it took as necessary to achieve the desired outcome.
Ah, there it is. There's the kicker. Whose desired outcome? In my home with family, at work with clients, co-workers, and supervisors...whose outcome am I achieving? Do I drive myself nuts cleaning my home because I want it for my family, or because I want it for myself? Did my supervisor require notes detailed to the degree I wrote them? Or was that my personal goal?
When I seriously look at my life, I have to admit that perfection is all about me. Rarely are my goals designed to meet someone else's expectations. I'm meeting my own need for "all or nothing"-and in doing so I'm falling painfully short of my most important goal: finding balance.
To all the perfectionists out there, I issue this challenge:
List the goals you think you are achieving for someone else.
Take that list and go to those people whose goals you think you are meeting.
Ask them what their goals really are.
Betcha they aren't what you wrote down!
For those who work with or love a perfectionist, know that they honestly believe they are doing what they do for you. Gently encourage them to enjoy life in all its imperfections.