Bringing Balance to our Responses
It is easy to respond well when someone gives us a compliment or encourages us. Constructive criticism can even be easy to swallow. But thoughtless, hurtful words can bring thoughtless, harmful responses that make the situation worse.
When was the last time someone spoke critically to you? We may face criticism at work (client, boss, co-worker) or at home (spouse, child, parent, friend). Sometimes criticism comes from a complete stranger. Sometimes the criticism is unfounded.
A tween volunteer gave instructions to a patron, just as she'd been told to do. The woman, well into her forties, began making accusations against the volunteer and spoke ugly to her. Nearby adults urged the woman to be quiet, suggesting she was out of line. Some onlookers even went to the volunteer office to speak on the volunteer's behalf. Sadly, our introduction to criticism can come at a very early age.
Our response can calm angry waters or stir the storm. Responding well requires patience and practice. The most basic philosophy is still the most effective: Act; don't react. That's often easier said than done! Here are six simple strategies for good communication during conflict:
1) Think objectively. Once it's obvious you're engaged in an unpleasant conversation, try to distance yourself emotionally. Don't take the criticism personally. Look at the situation scientifically: consider the dialogue as a clue to solving a puzzle.
2) Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Assume they are normally a reasonable individual who happens to be experiencing an unusually difficult day.
3) Act calmly and rationally. Treat them kindly, even if you don't think they deserve it. You can be firm on an issue, but gentle on the individual. Speak softly, make welcoming eye contact, and smile (smirking doesn't count).
4) Don't react. Resist the urge to speak immediately. Take a moment to process the information. "Let me think this over (look into this) and get back to you," is a great response. Just make sure you follow through!
5) Accept responsibility for the situation without accepting blame. "I understand you are upset. Let me make sure I'm clear on the details of your circumstance so I can help you resolve this situation." Showing them you are trying to help can go a long way to diffusing the situation.
6) Don't argue. If you are right, making someone else admit you are right doesn't make you more right. Besides, it rarely matters who's right. What matters is resolving the conflict.
Share your tips on responding!