I know what you're thinking:  But saying, "Yes!" is what gets us in to this mess!

No.  Saying, "Yes!" indiscriminately gets us into this mess.  Here are some guidelines to bring balance to our "YES!"

RESPOND

You've heard of impulse shopping.  Rehearse - and then use - the following responses to reduce the chance of saying "yes" on impulse, then regretting it later. 

• Practice this first response:

"That sounds like a worthy project.  Let me think it over, check my schedule, and get back with you next week." 

• Practice this second response:

"I understand your urgency, but I can't commit without giving this some thought and checking my schedule.  So if you need an answer right now, then I'll have to say, ‘No.'" 

THINK IT THROUGH

• Evaluate the opportunity as it aligns with your personal mission statement. 

You need to know what your personal goals are in life before you can decide if an opportunity is a valuable use of your time.  Your personal mission statement doesn't have to be formal or fancy.  A mission statement simply helps you make objective decisions.

• Evaluate the opportunity in light of your schedule.

You only have 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week.  You can't make more time.  Be realistic.  If you are scratching your head trying to figure out when you will have time to shower, chances are you've said "yes" one too many times!

FOLLOW UP

• Make sure you get back with people in the time frame you set forth.

A reasonable person will appreciate you for not taking on more than you can handle.  They will admire you for applying wisdom to your choices.  But you will lose people's respect if you fail to follow through on your promise to get back with them.

• If you are unable to help, suggest other resources for them to pursue.

You may know someone who would do an even better job than you!

If you feel guilty about saying "NO!", check out the blog post from 5-20-09 for some helpful tips.

I pressed through my fear and made the call.  The police cruiser on its way, I was ready for my final chores before heading off to bed:  the dog and the trash both needed to go outside.  My paranoid thoughts continued, He slashed their tires, obviously not a well man.  What's to keep him from using that slashing tool on me?  The dog peed on the carpet and the trash overflowed with clean up rags.  Both better options, I reasoned, than my children waking to a mangled mother.

We can argue whether my fears were well-reasoned, but clearly my behavior was determined by my fear.  Some fear-based behaviors are easy to identify because we put "-phobia" on the end of them and list them in the DSM-III.

But some fear-based behavior patterns elude DSM-III classification and are embraced as accepted societal norms.  We don't walk under a ladder because we are afraid we will have bad luck.  We avoid an activity because we are afraid we won't measure up to someone's expectations - or our own.  We take control in a relationship because we fear the other person will not fulfill their responsibilities.  To counteract the bad luck from spilled salt, we toss some over our shoulder.

When it comes right down to it, we all suffer from a form of xenophobia:  The fear...of anything that is strange or foreign (Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, 2002).

Fear always projects our negative expectations into a strange and foreign land:  the future.  We cannot know what tomorrow will bring.  Yet, based on our assumption that something bad will happen, we make tactical decisions to protect ourselves.  Even if our fear is rational, it still projects a negative outcome into an unknown future. 

The problem with these fear-based behaviors is that in protecting ourselves from the bad, we also shield ourselves from the good.  

What decisions did you make yesterday that were rooted in fear?  Are you brave enough to live today free from xenophobia-the fear of anything strange or foreign?  Embrace the unknown with curiosity instead of fear.  Make decisions that leave you vulnerable instead of protected.   Open yourself to all life has to offer.

Disclaimer:  There are times fear is rationale and protective.  As I stood a captive in my own home, I thought how horrible it would be to live every second in fear for my life.  Yet, I realize this is how thousands of abused women, men and children exist every day.  Obviously, these types of situations are exempt from the challenge to "[m]ake decisions that leave you vulnerable instead of protected."  If you are in an abusive situation, please contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Know what you know and know what you don't know.

Successful people don't do everything well.  They know their strengths, and they maximize them.  They also know their limitations, and they don't try to do things for which they are not equipped.  They surround themselves with individuals who are strong where they are weak.

Certainly there are minimum competencies that everyone must possess.  But once those competencies are achieved, building on your strengths will be more productive than trying to improve your weaknesses.  You will set yourself apart from the crowd by becoming the best at what you already do well, not by being barely competent at everything. 

We are all uniquely gifted.  The ideal is to find a career and a jobsite that suit your gifting.  Know your weaknesses so you can minimize having to use them.  Play to your strengths.  Surround yourself with people who compliment both your strengths and your weaknesses. 

Lamenting that Walt Disney died before the completion of Disney World, a man said to Mrs. Disney, "It's too bad he didn't live to see all of this."  Her response:  "Oh, he saw it.  He saw it before anyone else."

Walt Disney had a vision.  Do you have a vision for your life?  Your marriage?  Your children?  Your career?  I heard an interesting statement this week:  Vision is the catalyst for change; the key to vision is being able to see a different future. 

We have to see a different future before we'll be willing to change our present.   

• We have to see a better career before we can have one.
• We have to see a more obedient child before we can have one.
• We have to see a more fulfilling marriage before we can have one. 

Your clients have to be able to see a better future before they will be motivated to change.  What are you doing to help them see how their lives can be? 

As an acquaintance tossed one emptied beer can after another into a trash bin, he slurred, "I'm going to die a lonely old man."  Recounting his life's mistakes and the decisions that landed him at that garbage can, the man saw no better future. 

One of your clients may feel that same way.  He may not be able to see past the trash accumulating in his life. Help him envision a bright future and he'll find motivation to change.  Once he has the vision, use your arsenal of therapy tools to help him make his vision a reality!

Maybe you struggle with being able to see a different future.  Identify people in your life who are visionaries, then spend time with them.  Vision is contagious.

If you already have a vision, what are you doing about it?  Walt Disney didn't build an empire on his own.  Find people who will encourage your vision and find people who can help make your vision happen.  Those are two distinct groups of people - and they may not always be the people closest to you.  Encouragement and help can come from unexpected places. 

Find your vision.  Chase your vision.  Be prepared to be surprised!

Sometimes unique is difficult to ignore:  like this turtle we found attempting to lay eggs in the middle of our yard!  I immediately interrupted my routine.  I beckoned my husband and children as I grabbed my camera.  Our commotion disturbed her serene life-giving event and sent her in search of a safer place for her offspring. 

What could have been an amazing documentary experience turned into a brush with almost greatness and left our yard with an unusual hole.  Unfortunate for us; advantageous to the next generation of turtles.

But what about when unique disguises itself as mundane? 

In his 2007 Washington Post Pulitzer-winning article, "Pearls Before Breakfast," Gene Weingarten describes the results of an experiment to see if "in an incongruous context, ordinary people would recognize genius".

Joshua Bell, an internationally acclaimed virtuoso, played in the Washington, DC, Metro subway - incognito.  Three days before his subway performance, he commanded $100 for a decent seat.  Two weeks later he played to a standing room only audience.  Yet, on the day of this experiment, Bell played his $3.5 million Stradivarius, handcrafted in 1713 by Antonio Stradivari himself, posing as just another hapless street musician. 

In 45 minutes time, just over 1,100 people passed by Bell, most of them hurriedly and obliviously.  Only one recognized this virtuoso.  Only seven made time to enjoy this opportunity of a lifetime:  a free, face-to-face performance by one of the world's most accomplished violinists on one of the world's most expensive instruments.  Only 27 people were moved to contribute to this musician's cause, rustling up a combined $32 and change.

I wonder how often my daily routine obscures the unique experiences waiting to be enjoyed.  Will you join me this week in looking for the unique?  I'm guessing it is closer than we think, maybe even as close as opening our eyes.

I struggled with "T."  I had already written the piece about turning tragedy into triumph when I received a poignant email.  I felt strongly about the tragedy piece because it is something therapists deal with almost daily.  But I can't get away from the feeling that someone will receive something from this perspective on time as well.  At times others can capture our sentiments better than we ever could.  This is one of those times.  So, before we move on to "U," please take a moment to enjoy this unknown author's reflections on time:

His mother's voice came over the phone, "Jack, Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through Jack's mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.  It had been a long time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career and life itself got in the way. Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often had no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence,' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser made sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important.  Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, Jack kept his word. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack went with his mom to see Mr. Belser's old house one last time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture...Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for that box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

Two weeks after Mr. Belser died Jack returned home from work and discovered a note in his mailbox: "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days."

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention: "Mr. Harold Belser."

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside: "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life."

His heart raced as tears filled his eyes. Jack used the small key taped to the letter to carefully unlock the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:  "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

The thing he valued most...was...my time.

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" his assistant, Janet, asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," Jack explained.  "Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"

At the age of eight, Nick Vujicic wanted to end his life.  He saw no purpose in his existence, nor any hope of a purpose being revealed.  Born without any limbs, Nick has only part of his left foot, more of a flipper really that he calls his chicken drumstick.  Today he travels the globe encouraging adults and children alike.  His demonstration leaves a lasting imprint.  He throws himself down on the table.  Lying there with no limbs it should be impossible for him to get up.  Yet he does.  He gets up!

Arthur Robinson and his wife, Laurelee, had prepared for every eventuality in their home school.  They'd taken one factor for granted: Laurelee would be there to teach their six children.  She went from healthy to deceased in 24 hours, leaving Arthur with six children, ages 12, 10, 9, 7, 7, and 17 months to care for; a house to keep; a farm to tend; and a full time job.  Their tragedy is now shaping the educational futures of thousands of families worldwide through a home school curriculum born out of necessity.

Scott and Rebecca Butcher received the heartbreaking news that their little girl had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS).  Annabelle would need to be born a hundred miles away from home in a hospital that would give her the best chance at survival.  She fared better than expected in her first surgeries and was able to go home for awhile.  When she was eight weeks and three days old, Annabelle's parents held their baby girl for the last time.  Out of their grief they founded an organization to help other families faced with this journey of HLHS.  Annabelle's Baskets gives families a sign that someone knows what it is like to spend their days in the hospital instead of at home...a sign that someone is thinking of them. 

We can spend the rest of our life tragically or triumphantly.  We can spend our last days dying or leaving a legacy.  Sometimes we just need someone to show us we have a choice.  If you know someone who is walking through a challenge or loss, gently encourage them to live.

1. the physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another.
2. a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.

Combine these two definitions and you get:  A physical pressure, pull, or force that causes the body to respond in such a way as to interfere with its normal physiological equilibrium. 

Is stress causing you to feel off balance?  Your schedule could be contributing to your stress.

We are involved in activities that are admirable.  But we often schedule downtime right out of our lives.  Though downtime will look different for each of us, we all need time to reenergize and rejuvenate.  Here are a few quick tips to bring balance to your stressful schedule.

1. Consider scaling back outside activities. Limit the number of activities you allow in a month, a week, or a day.
2. Look at times of the week, month, or year where you are particularly vulnerable. The next time you are stressed, take a minute and consider if you were stressed the same day last week, month, or year?  During high stress periods, block off time where you limit or do not allow commitments.  Something as simple as moving an appointment could make your day go more smoothly.
3. Find a method to organize your days, weeks, and year.  Some prefer paper and pen, some prefer digital media.  Some do better with the "month-at-a-glance" format; some an "hour-by-hour" layout; others an old-fashioned daily "to do list".  Everyone is different.  The key is to figure out what works for you.

If you are looking for an organizer that does everything - from appointments to birthdays to menus - check out http://www.thefamilyorganizer.com/.  I don't get commission, but I should as much as I recommend it!  It's worked for our family for years! 

How do you keep your stressful schedule in check?  Take a moment to share with us!

It is easy to respond well when someone gives us a compliment or encourages us.  Constructive criticism can even be easy to swallow.  But thoughtless, hurtful words can bring thoughtless, harmful responses that make the situation worse.  

When was the last time someone spoke critically to you?  We may face criticism at work (client, boss, co-worker) or at home (spouse, child, parent, friend).  Sometimes criticism comes from a complete stranger.  Sometimes the criticism is unfounded.

A tween volunteer gave instructions to a patron, just as she'd been told to do.  The woman, well into her forties, began making accusations against the volunteer and spoke ugly to her.  Nearby adults urged the woman to be quiet, suggesting she was out of line.  Some onlookers even went to the volunteer office to speak on the volunteer's behalf.  Sadly, our introduction to criticism can come at a very early age.

Our response can calm angry waters or stir the storm.  Responding well requires patience and practice.  The most basic philosophy is still the most effective:  Act; don't react.  That's often easier said than done!  Here are six simple strategies for good communication during conflict:

1) Think objectively. Once it's obvious you're engaged in an unpleasant conversation, try to distance yourself emotionally. Don't take the criticism personally. Look at the situation scientifically: consider the dialogue as a clue to solving a puzzle.

2) Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Assume they are normally a reasonable individual who happens to be experiencing an unusually difficult day.

3) Act calmly and rationally. Treat them kindly, even if you don't think they deserve it. You can be firm on an issue, but gentle on the individual. Speak softly, make welcoming eye contact, and smile (smirking doesn't count).

4) Don't react. Resist the urge to speak immediately. Take a moment to process the information. "Let me think this over (look into this) and get back to you," is a great response. Just make sure you follow through!

5) Accept responsibility for the situation without accepting blame. "I understand you are upset. Let me make sure I'm clear on the details of your circumstance so I can help you resolve this situation." Showing them you are trying to help can go a long way to diffusing the situation.

6) Don't argue. If you are right, making someone else admit you are right doesn't make you more right. Besides, it rarely matters who's right. What matters is resolving the conflict.

Share your tips on responding!

As much as we'd like to justify that quality and quantity can each stand on their own, we all know that isn't true.  Every relationship - work, spouse, children, family and friends - needs both quality and quantity to survive.  Relationships need lots of both if they are to thrive. 

My problem is I want to give my time to too many good causes, leaving me stretched thin.  I don't seem to have enough quantity or quality to give anyone.  I'm not alone.  Just this week two people bemoaned, "I don't have enough time to do all the things I want to do."  Seems that's epidemic today. 

I recently heard of an interesting concept:  relational priorities.  In our daily lives there is not enough of us to go around.  With all the different areas of life demanding our time, at some point we will compromise in one area to fulfill our obligation to another.  We'll cheat work to take care of family, or visa versa.  Our lives are full to the hilt; and, since we can't be in two places at once, something's gotta give.  Which relationships receive our time and attention define our relational priorities.

We often adapt the victim mentality in this process, overlooking that we are the ones who actively get to choose where our time and attention go. 

Where you choose to spend your time defines your quantity.

How you choose to spend your time defines your quality.

Take a few moments to assess your relational priorities.  Write them down.  Ten years from now, what memories do you want to have?  If you were to die next year, how do you want to be remembered?

Based on those answers, take control of your quantity and quality.  Write down where you will spend your time.  Now write down how you will spend your time while you are in those places. 

As you go about living life, it is easy to shift off course without realizing what has happened.  Sometimes life changes require an intentional shift in priorities.  Every so often you'll want to return to this list to see if your relational priorities are where they need to be. 

**30 Day Shred Update:

Day 17:  I missed my first workout.  Ironically, the first day I was too busy to "shred" fell on a weekend when three of my four children were out of state.  Go figure! 

Day 18:  My belt, on its tightest hole, is too loose!

(See 5-27-09 post on Balancing Obesity for original blog content)

"It's important to have a little guilt in life.  And feeling bad can accomplish a heap of good." --Dr. Kevin Leman, Have a New Kid by Friday

In this excerpt Dr. Leman is speaking to parents who prevent children from suffering the consequences of their decisions and actions because the parents don't want little Johnny to feel bad.  Those parents are people-pleasers.  If they are doing it to their kids, they are probably doing it to their spouses, to their friends, and at work.

For as long as I can remember I've been a people-pleaser, never wanting anyone to be upset.  Truth is, that isn't good for anyone.  Not for my employer, my clients, my husband, my kids, or any of my relationships.

Are you a people-pleaser?  Are you someone who surrounds him/herself with people-pleasers?  If you are either one, you aren't living up to your full potential.  You also aren't empowering those around you to aspire to their highest level of greatness.

When you people-please, you are really saying:  "I don't believe in you."  By preventing another person from facing their own consequences (a child who doesn't do homework) or dealing with unpleasant circumstances (having to find someone else to serve on that committee), you communicate that you think they are incapable.  You chose to do something you don't want to do because you think the other person lacks the fortitude to face an unpleasant event.  Your actions rob that person of the opportunity to prove to him/herself that he/she is a remarkable individual with talent and character.

People-pleasers are also motivated by personal insecurity.  They can't bring themselves to disappoint friends, family, and co-workers because they don't trust the relationship to survive difficulty.  If a relationship can't thrive despite times of disappointment, then that relationship is not worthy of your time investment.  When you people-please or surround yourself with people-pleasers, you cheat yourself out of quality relationships.

We shouldn't deliberately cause others harm.  But it's okay to feel bad sometimes.  And it's okay to let someone feel bad as a result of their actions; you don't have to make it all better.  Good can come from feeling bad.

Challenge yourself and those around you to reach your full potential by holding each other accountable for decisions and actions. 

*****************************************************************************************

30 Day Shred Update:

Day 10: Completed Level 1 workout without a rest! 

I can now do the imaginary jump rope staying nearly in one place.  No more touring the living room!

(See 5-27-09 post on Balancing Obesity for original blog content)

Back in the day I was a svelte 126 with tight abs, a tiny waist, and a toned tush; an enviable size 4/6.  Even after my fourth child was born, I managed to get back to a decent weight with all my body parts cooperating to fit into a size 8/10.  I wasn't a hottie, but respectable for a mom of four kids.  Not encouraged yet?  Hold on, here it comes.

I used to think all that "Wait ‘til you turn 40" talk was a ruse.  It's not.  Last year I went to the eye doctor and was informed I'd gone from 20/20 vision to needing bifocals.  Bifocals!  I'm not vain when it comes to glasses, I just couldn't believe my eyesight had deteriorated so much in 2 years!  The fact that he was trying to sell me a $500 pair of glasses also seemed a bit suspect.  So I went for a second opinion, which turned out to be a waste of money.  He just smiled and said, "You turned 40."

My eyes weren't the only thing to go south after my 41^st birthday.  Weight came on and deposited itself in a permanent fashion.  These days my wrists are the only body parts that can boast "tiny".  Now, even when I lose weight, I still wear the same size.  Haven't quite figured out how that works.  My body is clearly rebelling.  Diet alone accomplishes nothing.

As a physical therapist, I know the importance of exercise.  But obstacles have won out.  Obstacle one:  my body.  I decided to go to the gym to see if I could tone up.  It went well for about a month, until my back acted up.  Having to crawl around on my hands and knees convinced me that my days in the gym were over.  Obstacle two:  my locale.  I live in South Carolina.  It's hot and humid here about 8 months out of the year.  Really hot.  Like "stay inside if you want to be able to breathe" hot.  So walking outdoors is a challenge.  Obstacles three and four:  room and money.  I have neither the funds nor the space for a treadmill, so walking indoors really isn't an option either.  I know, excuses, excuses.  But I'm being real here.  The good part is coming, keep reading.

So, I'd pretty much given up.  I'd come to the conclusion, if my clothing size wasn't going to change, I might as well enjoy tasty food.  Then I stumbled across what I want to share with you.  I was reading a post from Vicki Courtney, a lady who writes on teenage purity.  In this day and age, any help I can get on raising pure teenagers, I'm there.  (You can be there too, see "Other Blog Links" on the left.)  This particular day she was writing outside of her niche.  She'd found something so wonderful she just had to share.  She, too, is in the over 40 set and had lost weight without seeing a change in her clothing size.  Then she bought a workout video. 

After 30 days of near death experiences she had lost only one single solitary pound, but she was down an entire size.  None of her clothes fit.  She had to buy all new clothes...and a new bathing suit!  I dashed over to Amazon and checked out the video.  For $8.99 I decided to give it a try.

My 13 year old daughter did 90 seconds of the video the first day it came.  She whimpered the whole next day about her legs and armpits hurting.  I laughed.  Come on.  90 seconds, really?  I should have known better.  This is the child who got her forehead split open with a golf club and didn't shed a tear; you could say she has a high pain tolerance.

The next day we did the entire workout together.  I wasn't laughing anymore.  Screaming at the woman on my TV screen, yes.  Laughing, no.  But, consistent with the physiology I learned in school, the worst was yet to come.  Day 3 it hurt to shave and apply deodorant, no lie.  My abs were screaming.  Since I don't ever want to have to do Days 2 and 3 again, I got up and did Day 4. 

If you are thinking you can't do this, let me tell you I wasn't sure I could either.  I'm coming into this with some physical challenges.  During my first pregnancy, I had a six-inch vertical abdominal incision to remove a tumor.  My abs have never been the same.  After my first child was born, I began having back/hip pain that reached its zenith during my second pregnancy when a disc herniated - complete with foot drop and Trendelenberg gait.  Due to high risk to the baby - and the neurosurgeon's ski trip - an epidural was the first line of defense.  By the time surgery was performed, I was left with residual endurance weakness in my leg.  For the last 12 years my "good leg" has been absorbing the wear and tear and is now showing signs of pain and crepitus.  

I wasn't sure my body was up to the task.  Before investing in arm weights, I wanted to make sure I could do the routine, so I completed the first day without weights.  I could feel instability in my left shoulder during the workout and the next day brought a significant increase in my left knee joint pain.  So for now, I'm using two cans of 14 oz beans rather than the suggested 2-1/2 lb. weights.  I'm sticking to the low impact option on all the exercises.  My body is adjusting. 

It's too early to see a difference, but I already feel a difference:

• I still can't do the entire workout without a rest, but I'm not resting as often.
• I notice myself spontaneously engaging my abs during the day.
• I no longer feel instability in my shoulder.
• My knee joint pain is diminishing.
• My teen and tween are exercising with me, establishing good health habits early.

By the time you read this I'll be at least on Day 7 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  I'm simply sharing my personal experience with you.  This won't be for everyone.  But if you are already doing this or decide to try it, will you let us know?  Remember, discuss any exercise plan with your physician before you begin. 

If you have a personal success story to share on how you overcame obesity, please take a moment to encourage other readers!

This week I watched Abigail's first struggle with saying, "No."  My seven-year-old daughter was playing with her new best friend, Sophie*, when the time came to leave for dinner.  Abigail had been looking forward to this meal for a couple of days:  sharing her favorite wings with her grandparents and an aunt who was visiting from Tennessee.  It should have been an easy decision, but Sophie's practiced persuasion proved a formidable foe.

Abigail (middle) has no trouble helping her sisters tell their little brother, "NO!"

Saying, "No," can be hard work.  Not everyone will respect your, "No."  Some people believe they have a right to expect you to act a certain way.  When you don't perform according to their plan, they will get mad at you.  They will yell.  They will pout.  They will give you the cold shoulder.  Their disdain will be obvious; you'll know you have disappointed them, let them down.  You will feel like you've done something wrong. 

Sophie's response made Abigail feel like a bad friend.  I explained to my brave little girl that she had been courageous when she stood up for what was important to her.  I told her she was really being a good friend by showing Sophie it was okay to make an unpopular decision.

As adults we have to be okay with unpopular decisions.  When it comes to saying, "NO," here are a few perspective-keeping keys:

1)  Your decisions will not please everyone.  Don't even try.

2)  No one has a right to expect you to say, "Yes."  This expectation often occurs when people ask you to do a task they are unwilling to do themselves.

3)  No one has a right to be angry if you say, "No."  Disappointed, yes; angry, no.

4)  A true friend will respect your decision, even when it is opposite of what they wanted you to do.

5)  People have the right, even the responsibility, to question your decision if they feel your choice is detrimental to your personal well-being or their relationship (i.e. work environment).   Asking for clarification/explanation is not the same as disrespecting your answer.

6)  People have the responsibility to tell you if your "No," was hurtful to them.  They do not have the right to use their feelings in emotional blackmail to get you to change your mind.

7)  Do unto others...the best way to receive respectful treatment is to model it. 

Today, bring balance to your, "No."  Be courageous by saying, "No."  Be gracious when receiving, "No." 

*Sophie is not her real name.

Here is a recap of the areas we've covered so far: 

Activism
Budgets
Communication
Days
Emotions
Friends
Good Intentions
Healing
Imaginations
Jobs
Kaleidoscopes
Laughter
Moods

What topic has made the biggest impact?  Which blog did you enjoy the most?

We still have 13 letters of the alphabet to go...what areas would you like to see covered - O through Z? 

Next week we'll look at an area I still struggle with:  when and how to say, "No"...and (here's the real kicker) not feeling guilty.  I'm getting better but still have moments of over-commitment or committing to the wrong things.  I hope you'll come ready to share your thoughts!

I have moments like that.  When life is too much to bear, when I just want to be left alone for a few minutes to have a good cry - or scream.  Then I can carry on.  But sometimes instead of getting it out of my system, I walk around stormy for days.

My last errand of the day was a routine stop at Sonic.  I love that place.  So much so that most of the workers are familiar with me and greet me warmly.  Not today.  The lady who waited on me was new.  She served me only once before.  She was lackluster that day, too:  she doesn't make eye contact and lacks any sign of enthusiasm.  She seems overwhelmed, confused and hurried. 

Maybe the multitasking of the drive-thru window is sensory overload for her.  Perhaps she is technologically impaired - I sympathize.  Whatever the reason, a simple order is a complex task for this woman.  The customer behind me ordered a Sprite.  The employee had to come back on the intercom three times to process this information.  Hearing wasn't the problem, it was a comprehension issue. 

The line really wasn't that long - only three cars in front of me.  But overwhelmed and confused added up to slow as molasses, which is probably why she is so hurried...always feeling like she is behind and trying to catch up.  On any given day I could have really been in a mood by the time I got to the window...having waited that long only to be treated with indifference by the employee who made me wait.  But today my wait gave me food for thought. 

First I thought about how her indifference detracted from my overall experience.  Altruistic, I know.  Then I pondered what could make her this way.  Why would a 40+ year old woman take a minimum wage position at Sonic?  Did she need a diversion from empty nest syndrome?  Did she need extra income following a divorce?  Was she trying to bolster family finances after her husband got laid off or demoted?  Did she have a family crisis -illness or unexpected expense - that had to be funded with supplemental income? 

Whatever life change landed her at Sonic, I decided it couldn't have been a pleasant one.  How would I treat customers if I was in her shoes?  How would I want customers to treat me? 

For a few seconds in this woman's day, I could decide to be a rain cloud or a beautiful blue sky.  I was a beautiful blue sky.  She didn't look up to see it in my smile; maybe she heard it in my voice.

What will you be?  Go to a private place and get all the rain out of your system, then spread blue skies wherever you go.  Your employees deserve it.  Your clients certainly deserve it...they are paying for it!  Your family deserves it.  And you deserve it!